


Hair

by Doctor_Who_Cares



Series: Oh, Voldemort! [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, general silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 11:41:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13740126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doctor_Who_Cares/pseuds/Doctor_Who_Cares
Summary: Voldemort misses his hair.





	Hair

They sat at the long table talking of ways to find and destroy Harry Potter. Voldemort however wasn't listening, and was instead staring wistfully at Lucius.

"My Lord, are you alright?" Lucius finally asked. "You seem... distant."

Voldemort sighed. "I was just remembering when I had hair. You've got _lovely_ hair, Lucius." He reached a hand out stroking it, Lucius had never looked more uncomfortable. "Come here."

"My Lord?"

"Just come here." Lucius stood, walking over - everyone was watching. "Next to me. _There_. Now crouch down a bit." He took Lucius hair draping it over his own head. "How would I look with hair? Would it still work with everything else I have going on now? Maybe a darker colour?"

Severus desperately avoided making eye contact.

"It's very soft though. Do you rinse and repeat?"

"Err... no Sir..." Lucius' voice was strained as he fought to remain in position.

" _Really_? Well it's something I'll think about - go sit back down."

*** * ***

"I hope that _never_ happens again." Lucius grumbled, Severus laughed.

"It's _not_ funny."

"It _really_ was." Severus wiped a tear from his eye. "I think that's probably enough to go to HR about sexual harassment."

"Severus, the Dark Lord wants to see you."

He stopped laughing at once. Groaning, he walked back into the meeting room.

"I'm commissioning you to make a potion."

"What do you need this time my Lord?"

"Hair growth."

"That potion does not exist my Lord."

"It _must_."

"I'm sorry my Lord but it doesn't, or else we'd be making a fortune off of Muggles."

"There has got to be a potion!"

"The only hair growth potions I can think of would not particularly have the desired effect. My apologies my Lord."

"Then explain _this_." He handed Severus a parchment advertising ‘ _M_ _r_ _Meriweather’s_ _H_ _air_ _G_ _rowth_ _F_ _ormula_ ’.

"I would call this either genius or a scam my lord. Though I am more inclined towards the latter."

"Fine! I'll just be gross forever." Severus sighed, already trying to decide what ice cream would soothe his Master.

"I used to be _hot_ , Severus. I used to look so good."

"Yes, my Lord."

He burst into tears on Severus' shoulder. ' _Just because it doesn't end in torture doesn't mean it ends well_ ' Severus thought as the Dark Lord wept on him. He could see Lucius sniggering at the door.


End file.
